there’s some scary stuff going on at work right now.  scary, like i’m  about to lose my job for something that isn’t my fault.  i am currently on suspension and hopefully will find out by tomorrow if i am going to be fired or not.  that’s about all i want to say about it right now, sorry to be so cryptic, but i’m just not ready to go there yet.  i really like my job and losing it will mean a big change in my life.  right now i work from 9-1 monday-friday, the hours are perfect for me.  louise goes to daycare and i pick her up at 4:00 after she’s done napping and having a snack.  if i lose my job and can’t find another (which would be difficult) i will become a stay at home mom.  while this may suit some people just fine, it does not suit me fine.  i need to get out and work, to contribute to the family and also talk to other grown ups for a little while.  i’m sure some people will read this and think that i am a bad mom or person in general because i don’t want to be a stay at home mom and that’s fine, you are entitled to your opinion, but what works for one person does not necessarily work for another and that doesn’t make it wrong or bad.  to be honest, it’s not even really about finances, i don’t make much money at all, it’s more about me and my mental health, working keeps me sane.  without work it’s possible that i could sink back into the depths of depression, laying in bed whenever possible and showering only when my husband looks at me and scowls, saying, “you need a shower”.  so… that is mostly what is on my mind right now, am i going to keep my job, am i not going to keep my job, it’s driving me crazy.  my gut feeling is that they are going to fire me.

louise is good but she has her moments, she’s a very willful intelligent child, she wants what SHE wants and she only likes to do something if it’s HER idea.  yesterday morning she decided she didn’t want to get into her carseat, i have no idea why, but as most of you know, putting a child into a carseat who does not want to be put into a carseat is nearly impossible.  she did the dreaded alligator roll, which makes it nearly impossible to do anything, put a child in a carseat, in a stroller, change their diaper, you get the idea.  while we have a lot of willful moments, there are also some very sweet fun moments as well.  louise loves loves LOVES to be outside so i often bring her into the backyard when we get home from daycare.  this makes her very happy and there are many squeals of delight and lots of giggling, the best noises in the world.  speaking of the best noises in the world, recently louise has taken to calling me mommy instead of mama from time to time, i don’t know why it seems so much sweeter than mama but it is and i LOVE it when she says it.

i have been on accutane for a few weeks now and so far so good.  before i started taking it i was taking some antibiotics that really cleared my face up and since i transitioned to accutane i haven’t had any major breakouts which is AWESOME.  i take one 10mg pill in the morning and two 10mg pills at night, so a total of 30mg/day.  the dosing is based on your weight so i don’t think they will be changing things much.  the only side effect i’ve been dealing with so far is extremely dry lips.  they are CONSTANTLY peeling and it doesn’t matter what i put on them, they’re just dry as dry can be.  i’m expecting my skin to follow suit pretty soon here.  last time i took accutane i put lubriderm on my face because it was so dry… LUBRIDERM people!!! no one that has any sort of acne would ever dream of putting lubriderm, of all things, on their face, but, i did it, i had to.  so far my skin is pretty normal though so it hasn’t really become a concern yet.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaanyway, that’s what’s going on in these parts, how are you???

oh, and i almost forgot, today’s my birthday so the stuff that’s going on at work is just an extra punch in the gut, happy birthday to me.

i have been horrible about posting lately.  i don’t know why.  it seems like all my thoughts are all jummbled up in my head and when i try and put them to paper they just don’t come out right.

louise has been doing pretty good.  our crib tent is still working and she hasn’t been able to get out of her crib since we put it up (phew).  she has managed to take her sleep sack off a few times (more than a few) and a couple of those times her diaper as well.  i asked for some advice on this and kristen over at hope in virginia gave us the best advice ever, to put the sleep sack on backwards, which has been working wonderfully.  so far, she hasn’t figured out how to take it off when it is on this way.

as you know, my step-mom usually takes louise once a week, sadly, her mother passed away about a week ago and was in the hospital for a few weeks before that so she hasn’t been taking louise lately.  big bummer for louise since my step-mom is AMAZING with her.  when she has her, all of her attention is completely focused on just her ads she absolutely LOVES being with her.  we have been to visit a couple of times but i know she is missing her time with linda.  i feel so bad for her, i just can’t imagine losing my mother.

speaking of my mom, she was here last week, which was really nice.  we didn’t do anything to exciting, we went for walks with louise, sat out in the backyard with her, we went shopping a couple of times and ate dinner together.  like i said, nothing too exciting, but it’s always nice to have her around.  from here she went to visit my sister in macedonia and will therefore be back in a couple of weeks for another short visit before she heads back home to montana.  it will be nice to have her here again.

last weekend i went to see the movie bully with two of my friends.  it was really good but also very sad to see that so many kids are being tormented without any intervention from the schools and their administrations.  i remember being teased when i was in jr. high and it was absolutely awful.  i hope that he movie helps to bring about some awareness.

the other day i was changing louise and she didn’t want me to put her diaper back on, so i left it off (until she peed on the floor), she tried to pull her pants up but didn’t do a very good job, this was the result:

iclw

wow, i haven’t participated in iclw in quite a long time.  after i had my baby i sort of felt like i didn’t belong there anymore, but here goes nothing.

i had my daughter on january 31, 2010 after struggling with infertility for a couple of years.  you can read my infertility stats here.  after having her i struggled with (and continue to) postpartum depression.  it’s been quite a battle for me, but lately i have been feeling ok.  my husband travels for work and it gone a LOT and it definitely doesn’t help the situation.  BUT… after the infertility journey we feel really lucky to have louise.

i have always had bad skin, but while i was pregnant with louise (and for a little while after) it was GREAT.  unfortunately after a few months my acne came back with a vengeance.  i decided a couple of months ago that i was going to take accutane, a very powerful acne medication.  it can cause severe birth defects and also other problems with your liver, so there’s a big process you have to go through to get on it.  one of the things you have to do is have two pregnancy tests at least 31 days apart from each other to ensure that you’re not pregnant (lol, we all know i don’t get pregnant the old-fashioned way).  this past week i had my second pregnancy test and i was FINALLY able to start the medication.  i mostly blog about ppd (postpartum depression) and my daughter, but now my experience with accutane will be thrown into the mix.  this is my second time taking accutane, i am 35 now and i took it when i was in my early 20′s as well.  the results back then were great and i am hoping for the same this time.  the results are supposed to last, but i have done a lot of fucked up things to my body since i took it the first time (infertility treatments anyone?), so i can’t say i’m surprised the acne came back.

if you are visiting from iclw, please don’t be shy, say hello, if you are one of my regular readers, sorry to bore you with old details!

i got my accutane today, hooray!!!!!

each box contains three cards of pills with ten capsules in each card:

and they are VERY serious about the not getting pregnant while your on it thing, check out the back of the card, each capsule has a picture of a pregnant lady with a big x through it:

there’s also a picture on the back of each card of what the baby might look like should you get pregnant while taking it:

i’m so excited to start! i will take my first two capsules tonight and from here on out will be taking one in the morning and two at night for about five months or so.  it cleared up my skin really well the last time i took it, so hopefully this time it does the same.  and i’m hoping the results will be a little more permanent this time.

in other news, my mom is visiting from montana, it’s really nice having her here, especially since carl left today and will be gone untill thursday.  from here, she is going to visit my sister, who lives in macedonia, i’m taking her to the airport on thursday.  when she comes back from macedonia she will be here for a few days again before she returns home to montana.

louise has been pretty good while my mom has been here, even yesterday with no nap she stayed in a pretty good mood.  she is still in the terrible to phase though, she has tantrums pretty regularly, it’s such a bummer.  there’s no reasoning with her.  i can’t even threaten to take things away for bad behavior and reward her for good behavior because she doesn’t understand that stuff yet.  well, that’s not exactly true, i CAN reward her for good behavior but she doesn’t get the whole punishing for bad behavior thing yet.  otherwise i would be taking away tv and outside time left and right.  what works for anyone else with tantrums? any suggestions?

updated**

my second pregnancy test is finally scheduled for april 16th, so i should be starting the accutane that night or the next day, FINALLY.  it’s such a long argues process.  i am so glad to at least have things scheduled, it seems like i’ve been at this FOREVER and i haven’t even started the stupid medication yet, but at least the ball is rolling.

my mom is coming to visit, she will be here next thursday and i’m pretty happy about that.  it will be nice to have the company since i’m sure carl will probably be out-of-town.

nothing else too exciting going on in these parts.  louise is doing good, it’s still tantrum city, but i guess that comes with the territory of being two.

**oh, and i almost forgot, louise  has been sleeping in a sleep sack since she was about 7 moths old (ever since we stopped swaddling her).  we LOVE sleep sacks, i think they have helped us to avoid stripping and any possible poop disasters that involve taking off one’s diaper to “explore”, they also help to keep her nice and warm since she won’t stay under a blanket at night or during naptime.  the other day, i flipped on the monitor to check on her and she was sleep sack-less! she has finally figured out how to take it off! it kind of bums me out because i count on these things to keep her warm at night, i hope she doesn’t make taking it off a regular part of her routine, and i am definitely concerned about the whole “removing of the diaper” thing.  guess we’ll just have to see how it goes.

new post, i need one, bad.  things are just pretty boring around here so i’m not sure what to write about.  i figure i’ll just start and see what comes out.  louise is doing well… as well as a two-year old can do, she has definitely hit the “terrible two” phase, tantrums are frequent and painful.  anyone have any tantrum advice? i sort of don’t know what to do when she does it, right now we just ride it out until it ends.  she has done it to me twice in public, once at meijer and once at target.  both times i really needed something so i just put her in the cart and let her scream, and scream she did, both times, the whole time we were there, and even once we got back in the car, she continued to scream.  sigh.  what do you do??

i am still waiting to start accutane.  i had my first pregnancy test (lol, negative, of course), now i have to wait at least 31 days for my second pregnancy test, and this is where things get a little tricky.  you are supposed to take the second pregnancy test DURING your period, but due to my endometriosis i don’t have actual periods, i take my birth control pills (lol again) so that i skip my periods.  so, i’m not exactly sure what’s going to happen.  i called the doctor’s office last week to let them know this and i’m still waiting for them to call back with an answer.  what i’m hoping they’ll say is just come in 31 days after your last test and we’ll run the second test and then you can start, but i’m not sure they’re going to make it that easy on me.  i sure hope so though.

i am also worried because i’ve had a bit of a mental thing about swallowing pills lately.  twice in the last couple of weeks i have gagged while taking pills which resulted in puking.  this is no good, because people, i take a LOT of pills in order to keep myself in some sort of sane working order.  accutane is just going to add to this number.  it is pretty sucky because once i puke, i don’t know which pills have come up and which haven’t, so i either have to take the meds again and risk taking more than i’m supposed to or not take them again and risk that all the meds actually came up and i therefore didn’t get them at all.  anyway, that was probably too much information, sorry to spend so much time talking about barfing.  the point is, i am ready to star the accutane, like, now.  it’s about two more weeks until the 31 days have gone by and i can (hopefully) take my next pregnancy test.  i am soooooooooooo glad my insurance is covering this, $15/month, otherwise i wouldn’t be able to do it, this stuff is expensive, i think without insurance it came to $1200/month, which is way more than i thought it was going to be.

so, that’s really all that’s going on around here, terrible twos and waiting games.  i haven’t posted any pictures in a while, we had some amazing weather a couple of weeks ago, it was in the 80′s, it’s pretty crappy and cold again now, but we spent a lot of time outside when it was nice.

i got GREAT news today about the accutnae, as you know i haven’t been sure if it would be covered by my insurance or not, and today i found out that it WILL be covered! i’m so super excited! one of the advantages of working in a pharmacy, we were bored this afternoon and decided to run a “dummy” prescription through my insurance and it came back with a $15 copay! i was so worried it wouldn’t be covered but now i know it will be, so it’s just a waiting game until i can actually start taking the damn pills.  without insurance it would have been like, $1200 or something ridiculous like that, i knew it was expensive but my best guess was $400/month, i am so grateful my crappy insurance is finally good for SOMETHING.

louise has been extra EXTRA lately.  she’s been having a LOT of tantrums and it is such a bummer, it seems like she is crabby all of the time, which totally sucks, as you can imagine.  after she had the stomach virus where she puked all over the floor in the middle of the grocery store carl and i both got it.  he was sick on sunday and me on monday.  i went into work on monday but ended up leaving early and just called in sick on tuesday, it was a frikking nightmare.  carl was out-of-town so my angel of a step-mother, linda, took louise overnight monday, i’m not sure what i would have done otherwise, i was super sick, blech, i’m glad it’s over.  i don’t know if there’s anything i hate more than throwing up.  thankfully we’re all on the mend.