this little gem will be adding to the decor in louise’s room, hopefully very soon:

this blog has been amazing for me.  i started it when my husband and i were dealing with infertility (hence the name, infertile myrtle).  before i started it i felt all alone, like no one knew what i was going through and the support i found here was amazing.  many of the people who were going through what i was have welcomed their coveted children into the world but some haven’t and my heart truly aches for those of you who haven’t.  i KNOW how you feel.  i was a complete wreck when i was going through infertility, it actually changed who i was, i was so depressed all the time.  it’s so hard to constantly have your hope trampled on month after month.

i am considering having another baby.  CONSIDERING it.  as in, i haven’t even really discussed it with my husband.  i’m not sure how he’s going to feel about it.  the thing is, my pregnany was great until about 7 1/2 moths in, that’s when i got the kidney stone.  i was in the hospital on a diluadid drip for an entire week waiting for it to pass.  it didn’t.  so i had to have surgery and have a stent placed, which held my urteter open so that the pee could get through, that way it wouldn’t back up which would rupture my kidney and probably kill me.  after i got out of the hospital i was miserable.  at all times i could feel the stent.  it caused so much pain and discomfort that i couldn’t even work.  all i could do was lay on the couch and cry about how miserable i was.  i begged the doctor for pain meds and eventually i was on fentanyl patches, two 10/325 norco (kind of like vicodin) every six hours and b&o (belladonna and opium) suppositories (for bladder spasms).  i don’t think the pain meds actually helped because what i was feeling was extreme discomfort, not pain, so even though i willed myself to BELIEVE that they helped, they didn’t.

in addition to the discomfort i was having due to the stent, all the pain meds i was taking started having a pretty epic pooping, or lack thereof, side effect.  i was backed up people.  like REALLY backed up.  on christmas we went to my dad’s house and my step-mom, linda, had made one of my favorite dishes.  it’s called disappearing chicken and it is soooooo good.  it’s a dip of sorts that she puts some combination of cheese, chicken and jalapenos in.  jalapenos.  let me tell you something, if you are having problems going to the bathroom, eating any sort of spicy food is NOT a good idea.  the next day i was on the toilet crying because i was in so much pain.  i had hemorrhoids and the jalapenos? they didn’t feel ver good on the way out.  i’m sorry, i know this is probably tmi for some people and i’m sorry, i’m just rying to make a point about why having another baby is such a difficult decision for us.  anyway, this is how the last couple moths of my pregnancy was spent.  i slept on the couch, i sat on the couch, i computed on the couch, i did everything on the couch.  i LIVED on that couch.

here i am, on the couch, very pregnant, with all the supplies that were required to sustain me

and here i am with my dog annabel, who was my faithful companion through it all.

so, the point is, most of my pregnancy was a dream, i didn’t have any morning sickness, the only thing that sucked was i had to pee a LOT.  then, for the last two months, it was a total nightmare.

as most of you know, my husband travels for work.  a lot.  like he’s gone every week.  during this time he couldn’t travel, he had to make it work working from his home office, which was difficult for him.  there were a few times where he absolutely HAD to do an overnight, one of those time he had his other daughter so i had to take care of her while he was gone, haha, who am i kidding, she took care of ME.

wow, this is turning into a super long post, if anyone made it this far, thanks for reading.

so, i THOUGHT i was living in pure hell.  louise was due on february 17, 2010 and at the end of january my ob and i started talking about the possibility of inducing because i just couldn’t take it anymore, i was miserable and not just in a “i’m at the end of my pregnancy” kind of way, more like in a “i’m being physically tortured” kind of way.  literally, it was like torture.  so, one thursday afternoon i went to the hospital to have an amnio to determine if louise’s lungs were fully developed so they could go ahead and induce.  can we talk about having a needle stuck into your big pregnant belly for a minute?? it’s pretty awful.  know what else is awful? when your baby moves her arm so they have to take the needle out and re-insert it so they don’t stick the baby.  two pokes later i was done.  in the whole scheme of things, the amnio was uncomfortable but not nearly as bad as i thought it was going to be.  we got the results the next day, louise’s lungs were ready and i THINK they had me scheduled to come in the following monday for induction, some of the details are a bit foggy.  anyway, it never happened because that saturday around midnight, maybe a little earlier, my water broke.  it wasn’t like i pictured it to be.  in the movies it all comes gushing out at once and i felt more like i was peeing my pants every couple of minutes, so, since that’s what i thought was happening, i googled it.  carl and i decided that maybe it was a slow leak, it felt like i was peeing my pants in that something warm was coming out every couple of minutes, but it didn’t FEEL like i was peeing, you know? we decided it was time and we hopped in the car to head to the hospital, which is right about the time my contractions started and then we knew, this is it.

i had a really hard labor, there are parts i remember and parts that i don’t.  my water had a slow leak so every few minutes a little would come out.  i remember laying in the bad curled up in a ball crying because the contractions hurt so bad.  i was in my own little labor world.  after a couple of hours they asked me if i wanted something for the pain, i was like, um, YEAH! i don’t know what they gave me, but it was awful.  it didn’t help with the pain and it made me feel like what i imagine tripping on acid would feel like so when they asked if i wanted more i said no THANK-YOU.  who wants to trip on acid while they are in labor? not me thank-you very much.  after six hours of labor i was only dilated two or three cm but i was in so much pain that we started talking about an epidural.  anesthesia was called and the epidural was placed.  the relief i felt was indescribable, before i thought, there is no way i’m going to be able to do this, after the epidural i smiled and said, i can TOTALLY do this! so,that lasted for about 1/2 an hour and then it stopped working.  actually, i should say, half of it stopped working, half my body was numb the other half was not, but not like bottom and top half, left and right half, it was such a disappointment.  so, i just laid there miserable for a while.

then louise’s heart rate started dropping, my thought was, thank-god, they are going to do a c-section and get this over with, nope! they decided since all my amniotic fluid was gone at this point, that it might be the reason the baby was in distress,  they decided to start pumping water in, so they put a catheter in my cervix and pumped away.  this meant that i was sitting in a puddle of water for the rest of my labor, it was pretty awesome (not).  after about twenty-two hours, again, i had the thought, it’s been almost twenty-four hours and it’s not safe to be in labor after that, surely they’ll do a c-section now but the midwife informed me that they were totally fine with me being in labor longer than that (i was 6cm) at which point i informed them that i was not okay with it.  i told them i couldn’t do it anymore and the doctor was called in to perform my c-section.  once that was decided things moved pretty quickly.  i remember being wheeled down the hallway but the surgery itself is kind of fuzzy.

god, the length of this is really getting ridiculous, i guess i really needed to talk about it.  so, carl joined me in the operating room.

and surgery commenced (warning: graphic pictures)

and one january 31, 2010 at 10:35pm, out came a six pound ten ounce baby girl named louise christine ylinen.

i got to see her for a minute before they whisked her away to clean her up and so they could close me up, after that, the shit really started to hit the fan.  my surgery went well and since i had been on so many pain killers prior to giving birth and therefore likely had a high tolerance they decide they were going to keep my epidural in for another twenty-four hours, but guess what? they didn’t.  guess what else? they were right about my tolerance.  i laid in the recovery room for hours vomiting and writhing in pain.  it was the worst pain of my life and nothing they gave me made it better.  if you can imagine having surgery and then having nothing for pain, that’s what it was like.  it was so bad that i didn’t see louise again until the next morning.  recovery after that was rough but i don’t think anything will ever compare to the ten-ish hours after louise’s birth.  i never want to experience pain like that again.  if i ever thought i might have elective plastic surgery later on in life my mind was changed then.

this is an awful picture of me, but this is what i looked like after all of that and i wanted to show it.

from there, things were ok, recovery was hard, i thought i wanted to breatfeed but after all of that, i just couldn’t do it.  i thought i would surely die if i experienced anymore pain.  i tried to do it a few times and it was extremely painful.  this is when i decided louise would be formula fed and to this day i am ok with that decision.  i would have preferred for her to be breast-fed but it just didn’t work in our situation.  i vividly remember when my milk came in.  it was a thurday, four days after louise was born and i sat on the couch and cried for a whole day because it hurt so bad.  at this point louise had been on formula pretty much since she was born and we decided that’s what we were going to stick with.  after a couple of days, the milk dried up and my boobs went back to normal.

the first few months of louise’s life were pretty good, i was in quite a daze as most new moms are.  i had a LOT of help and support from my husband, my mom came and stayed with us for a couple of weeks, while she was here we moved into the house we had just purchased, our first house, and then the postpartum depression set it and i have been battling it ever since.  i had planned on touching a little more on the postpartum, but it seems this post has already gotten out of control! i am taking medication and i’ve tried a couple different counselors and realized that counseling really doesn’t work for me.  i’m okay with that.  i think it can work for other people, i think it can do a world of good for some actually, i just don’t happen to be one of those people.

having children with a spouse who travels is really hard and it’s been really hard, so after all of this, can you see why i am struggling with the idea of possibly having another baby? and i didn’t even go into what it took for us to get pregnant in the first place, that’s a whole ‘nother ten page story, which some of you already know.  it’s all chronicled here in my blog if you are interested though

wow, i really had some stuff i needed to get out! so, what do you think of the idea of us having another baby?

i almost forgot to mention, i am not including the infertility specialist in any plans for baby number two.  when i had my last laparoscopy my endometriosis was stage I or less.  i do plan to see my ob and possibly do a few monitored clomid cycles, but that will be shot lived as the last time it thinned out the lining of my uterus, so, if we want to have another baby there is going to have to be some sort of miracle or something.

1. What went wrong in your last relationship that went wrong?

the last boyfriend i had before my husband was bipolar and also a drug addict.  we didn’t break up because we didn’t love each other, we broke up because i knew i wanted to get married and have kids and he knew he didn’t want to pass his problems onto children and i knew he wasn’t fit to be a father or a husband.  a couple of years after we broke up, just a few months before my wedding, he died of a drug overdose.  talking about this on my blog makes me feel weird, but it’s the truth.

2. Do you keep a lot of secrets?

i feel like i keep a lot of secrets but i probably don’t.  most of them have to do with my insecurities and i touch on some of them in my blog, which is why people in my real life don’t know about my blog.  my blog is for me to talk about things i might not feel comfortable talking about to people i know.

3. What makes you feel worried?

i guess the thing i worry about the most is not being a good enough mom.  that, and money.

4. Do you honestly enjoy your sex life?

when we have the time and energy to actually HAVE sex, yes, i enjoy it.

5. List some books I should totally read.

geek love by katherine dunn and the contortionist’s handbook by craig clevenger.

6. What do you do to be healthy?

not enough, i am pretty unhealthy, i really need to work on that.  i really ought to eat better and exercise.  for a while my diet was so crappy that i missed my period for like three months.  a normal person might think that they were pregnant, but we all know that i don’t get pregnant the old fashioned way!

7.  What are some things that you dream about over and over again when you’re sleeping?

i do not have recurring dreams, but lately they have been kind of strange.  the other night i had one of those dreams where you think that you are awake.  in it, i was sleeping and someone was walking around our house, it was very creepy.

8. Who do you have a crush on?

my first instinst is to say john cuscack because of the movie better off dead.  also rob crow from the band pinback and brian aubert from the silversun pickups.
9. Memory from high school. Go.

ick.  don’t make me go there, high school was not good for me, although, i moved to montana when i was in high school which dramatically changed my life for the better.

10. Do you believe in God?

no.  i don’t believe in a god per say, most of my beliefs in this sort of thing center around nature.
11. Tell me about a really terrible kiss.

there’s been more than one, but there is one in particular that sticks out in my mind and let’s just say it was bad, what else can you say about a bad kiss? i think i was thirteen.

carl has been gone since LAST sunday, he was in vegas for business and stayed a few extra days so he could drive to arizona and visit his dad.  he had a great time and is finally coming home TODAY (in just a couple of hours) thank GOD.  we has a bit embarrassed a few times because his dad is one of those flirty older gentlemen and also got into an argument at ihop with the general manager over a senior discount, he said, “i’ve been coming here for ten years!!!” to which the manager replied, “sir, we’ve only been here for two years…”  then the next day, he proceeded to flirt with the same manager.  ANYway, we are SUPER glad he is coming home today, like for real, it’s been a long week.

my step-mom was nice enough to come and take louise when she got out of work sunday night (around 7:30) and keep her until tuesday morning, she took her to daycare and i picked her up that afternoon.  i realized at the last second that i had to work on saturday and would have been completely screwed for childcare, but again, my step-mom had saturday off and so awesomely, took her AGAIN, picked her up when she got out of work friday night (around 7:30 again), kept her overnight and dropped her off on saturday afternoon after i got out of work.  i do not know what i would do without this woman sometimes.  i wish there was some way i could thank her which truly expressed my thankfulness, but the thing about linda is, she ENJOYS doing it.  in addition to louise, my dad and step-mom have three other grandchildren, jake and ella from my step-sister molly and sierra from my step-sister leslie.  linda works full-time (as a respiratory therapist), she works four twelve hour shifts a week and her days off are dedicated to the grandchildren.  even though we pay for full-time daycare linda takes louise once a week while i’m working, she just really enjoys her grand-kids.  and the whole time they are with her she is complete focused on them, playing with them, giving them little tasks to do and just loving them in general.  the woman is a saint.

louise is doing really well,  she is just her normal charming self.  as far as talking goes, she has many words and she chatters constantly but i can rarely understand her full sentences.  everyone says, just wait, as soon as she starts talking you won’t be able to shut her up and i’m like, well, she already does talk constantly, i’m just not 100% sure what she’s saying.  so i’m really ready for her speech to become just a little bit more clear.  on the potty training front, we have made zero progress, louise just seems completely uninterested.  i have to admit, potty training terrifeis me, so i’m probably partially to blame for her disinterest.  i have let her wear underwear a few times, i even let her pee and poop in them to see if it motivated her at all. but nope.  we are also still working on the dee-dee (pacifier) and getting rid of it.  there seems to be a little progress there, if it take it away she fusses for a little bit but eventually she usually forgets about it and can go most of the day without it.  i do still let her have it no questions asked for naptime and bedtime.  she is still a super picky eater, sometimes she eats and sometimes she just doesn’t.  her pediatrician didn’t seem concerned at all even though she is in the 41st percentile for weight and the 80th percentile for height.  i guess as long as kids are within the normal curve they don’t worry too much about them, but mealtimes are REALLY stressful for me, i just want her to EAT! something, anything! well, not really, i don’t give her cake and candy all day (or ever really), but i will so relieved when she starts eating just a little bit more.

well, there ya have it, i didn’t think i had much to write about and it turns out i did! i will leave you with some adorable pictures (p.s. my spell check isn’t working at the moment so please forgive any spelling errors).

the birthday girl

possibly louise's favorite gift, a spongebob ball

cake!

blowing out the candles

louise with my friend katie (who made the cakes)

incidentally, today was louise’s 2 year check-up and she did great! she’s 26 pounds (41%), 35 inches (80%) and her head is 47 cm (36%) so she’s tall and slender.  she didn’t have to get any shots but she did get her finger pricked for a lead test (?) and she didn’t cry one bit.  i talked to the doctor about potty training and he said not to push it if she didn’t seem interested because she will push back! so we’ll just keep puttering along and not taking anything too terribly serious yet.  he said now is a good time to implement time out and recommended a book/video called 1-2-3 magic by thomas phelan, so we might look into that.  and i’ll be damned if i didn’t forget to ask about when we should go to the dentist! the one thing i wanted to ask! crap!

isn’t that crazy?? look at this cone head:

i guess that’s what being low for two months and 22 hours of labor does to a head, even though she ended up being a c-section baby, her head was SO coney.  so, i’ve been taking a lot of pictures with my cell phone because it is super easy to share them with my mom that way, so i thought i’d share a few with you.  from that itty bitty newborn baby to this in just two years!

she LOVES to watch the fish, she would do it all day if i let her.

steak and bananas!

stuck in the airport

cart surfing

we do a lot of cart surfing

riding the penny pony at meijer

so there ya go, a post in pictures.

oh, and i almost forgot, i ordered SIX new pairs of glasses from my favorite place in the world (besides cosco and target), zenni optical.  they cost me about $130 for all six pair, i used to pay double that or more for ONE pair.  if you haven’t checked them out and you wear glasses you really should, there glasses start at around $7/pair and that’s WITH lenses.  i can’t wait to get them, i think one pair will be coming this week and the others maybe the week after next, we’ll se, it can take up to two weeks to receive them, but it’s soooo worth the wait.

i have been feeling pretty good since i got back from montana, which is awesome, but i think it’s due to the fact that carl has been home most of the time since i got back.  i know that it’s not going to last, which is kind of bummer, but i hope the happiness decides to stay.  i have a therapy appt, i think on thursday (i should probably look into the day and time!) that i’m not really looking forward to, i know i’m supposed to go but i really hate therapy, i just don’t think it helps (i do think it helps some people, just not me).

my friend katie is coming from chicago for louise’s birthday party, i’m so excited! she’ll be here on the 3rd with her husband and daughter and it think she’ll be here until the 5th, it is going to be so fun!! louise’s part is coming together with lots of guests, it’s going to be a fun day.  katie is planning to make louise this cake with a little help from me…

i’m sure she will freak out because for some unknown reason, she’s totally obsessed with spongebob.  i don’t know what it is about that damn show, but she asks for it all the time, “bobbob, bobbob!!!” there is no other show that she loves as much as spongebob, it’s so weird!

with louise’s second birthday looming, i’m starting to think that it may be time to bring her to the dentist.  we have a doctor’s appt ON louise’s birthday so i guess we’ll see what he says but i am NOT looking forward to it, she is NOT going to like it.  when did you take your kids to the dentist? if you haven’t yet, what age to you plan on starting?

p.s. i’m still having problems commenting on blogger.com blogs, it’s something about the captcha codes, i can comment on blogger.com blogs that don’t have them, but every time i try to comment on a blog that has one it says the code is wrong.  hopefully the issue will be resolved soon.

p.s. i’m having random problems posting comments on blogger.com, so if you’ve posted and i haven’t commented, please know i’ve tried!!

sorry for my blogging slump, i don’t know why i go through stages when i just don’t feel like blogging, but i obviously do, i appreciate those of you who still read.  and speaking of blogging slumps, it’s probably going to seem like i’m in another one, because, we’re going to montana tomorrow! we will be gone for a week and i’m guessing i will not be blogging while we’re there (i’m not bringing my laptop, i must be totally crazy).  i am pretty really nervous about the flying part of this trip.  this will be the fourth or fifth time i’ve flown with louise, the third time that it will be just the two of us, carl was with us for a couple of the other flights (my step-daughter was with us on one of those flights too, which was great).  the thought of trying to entertain a toddler for a total of about five hours travel (with layover) is daunting.  we are bringing a portable dvd player with headphones so louise can watch her favorite show (spongebob squarepants) and i’m bringing a few other dvd’s too (REALLY hoping she’ll leave said headphones on, we did practice once and it went well, i really don’t want to drive the rest of the plane nuts with spongebob).  we are also bringing a purse full of tissue paper (was that your suggestion bird?), a magnadoodle (which louise hasn’t seen yet), a set of dolls that my mom got louise for christmas, some band-aids, some scotch tape, her blankie (of course) and plenty of dee-dees (pacifiers).  i would like to bring every toy we own, but of course, i need to have enough room to bring enough diapers in my carry-on in case we get stuck overnight in minneapolis (**fingers so crossed that this does not happen** i think i have some mojo since i got bumped off my last flight… i hope i do anyway)… so, that is what’s going on here, if anyone has any last-minute travel suggestions, please, don’t be shy, share them with me!!

louise with the ornament she tried to take a bite out of