now that i’ve apologized yet again for being a horrible blogger, i thought y’all might like a real post. it has been so freaking long since i posted last that i’m not even sure where to start. it’s not like we’ve had a bunch of super interesting things happen, mostly just normal life stuff, but still, i could probably talk about a thousand different things, which one to pick??? i guess since i mentioned before that we are trying for number two i should probably start there. to be completely honest, i can’t say that we’ve been trying that hard. i’m not on birth control anymore obviously, but when we were trying to get pregnant with louise i was all business. i ALWAYS kept track of my cycle, i knew when the best baby making days fell and i made damn sure we had sex on those days every.single.month. i mean, if carl was out of town i even had “samples” on ice at our clinic. then we started using art and you definitely have to know what cycle day you’re on when you’re spending all that money, so clearly i knew exactly where i was at any given day of any month. probably every second of the day. i was obsessive about it, i’m sure everyone can relate, all of us infertiles obsess over our cycles when we’re ttc. the first couple of months after we decided to try again i did keep track of my cycle and we did our best to have sexy time when the ovulation days came around, but besides that i really haven’t done anything. i haven’t even tracked my cycle for the past few months. i guess that when we were trying to get pregnant with louise it almost felt like a life or death situation. if we hadn’t been able to get pregnant with her i would have been completely devastated, i REALLY wanted to experience what it was like to be pregnant and i’m not going to lie, i wanted to see what a child with both my husband’s dna and my dna would look like and be like. i feel like adoption wasn’t really something i was interested in, adoption is AWESOME, the people who do it are amazing and clearly much more selfless than i, it just wasn’t for us. if we hadn’t been able to get pregnant with louise it’s likely we would have ended up not having kids at all. i DO think fostering would have been something to consider if we hadn’t had louise, so who knows, it’s not unusual for fostering to lead to adoption. all i can do is speculate and it’s a moot point so there’s really no use. in any case, while we would like to have another baby, i don’t feel like it’s life or death this time, another would be great but louise is pretty awesome on her own too. i really should get my shit together and start tracking my cycle, i’m not getting younger, that’s for sure, every month i slack off my ovaries are getting closer and closer to retirement. the next couple months might be rough for baby making because it’s the busy season for carl at work (one of them anyway) which means lots of travel, it would be a miracle if he happened to actually be in town during prime baby making time. he was even gone over the weekend last week and he’s gone this weekend too, SO lame. he had to miss riley’s regional gymnastics meet last weekend, what a bummer. you all remember ms. riley right? riley is carl’s 15-year-old daughter from a previous relationship.
speaking of louise and riley, let’s get caught up on them, they’re the interesting ones. louise turned three on january 31 and we’re in the midst of potty training right now. i tried really hard to start months ago but louise was NOT having it, she wanted nothing to do with the potty and i’ve always heard that pushing it can make things worse, so i didn’t. eventually she came around, she’s not 100% there but she’s close. when she’s at home we let her run around with no pants or diaper and she ALWAYS goes on the potty but if she does have pants and a diaper on it’s kind of hit and miss. usually if you put her in pants and nothing else she’ll tell you when she has to go potty but a few days ago i had her in just a pair of jeans and she peed in them. she is not in love with the idea of underwear yet, at first she was super into them but now she freaks out when i try to put them on her. oh well, what are you gonna do, she’ll get there, we just have to take it one day at a time. whoever said girls are easier to potty train than boys can suck it.
louise started taking gymnastics and swimming lessons a couple of months ago, we’ve already finished one session and just started our second last week. she’s great at swimming which isn’t a huge surprise since my parents have a pool and we go there all the time in the summer, gymnastics is kind of meh so far but i’m sure it will get better. at the end of her swimming lessons last session her teacher said she was definitely ready for the next level so that’s what she’s doing right now. they usually don’t let kids younger than 3 1/2 take the class she’s in now but due to the fact that her teacher said she’s ready the allowed it. cleeeeeearly she’s very gifted and the only reason i added that last sentence was to brag about what an awesome swimmer she is. parents will brag about ANYTHING when it comes to their kids, it can be super annoying so i try not to do it but every once in a while a little brag slips out. what do you want from me, i’m only human!!!! the best part about her moving into the next swimming level is that I DON’T HAVE TO GET IN THE POOL WITH HER ANYMORE. i love doing things with her but wearing a bathing suit around a bunch of people i don’t know is not my favorite thing to do. i’m also not super in love with getting my head wet when i’m swimming, i’m not afraid to do it or anything, it stems from insecurities i had about my skin (acne) when i was younger. i’m not terribly insecure about it anymore but my distaste for getting my head wet stuck for some reason. so yeah, last session i had to be in the pool with her (okay, i only had to be in the pool with her once, usually grandpa or grandma took her to swim class but once was PLENTY for me) and this session i sit and watch her through a window, they like to keep the parents a little separated so the kids stay focused on what they’re doing which is a-okay with me. she DOES love her gymnastics class but they try to implement a little structure and she’s not so good at that yet, like, the teacher will say, okay, now we’re all going to take turns on the beam or the bar or the vault (it’s an itty bitty vault and obviously they don’t ACTUALLY vault, the just do a little bunny hop on it) and louise is NOT interested in hanging out and watching all the other kids until it’s her turn. sometimes i can wrangle her into doing what she’s supposed to but a lot of the time we’re kind of off doing something else, she’s particularly fond of the bar, she loves to hang off of it. she’s taking the same gymnastics class this session due to her distaste for listening to her teacher but hopefully she’ll be able to move onto the next level next session. i’m pretty sure she’s the oldest kid in the class right now, which is fine, but for some reason i feel like she’ll do better with kids her own age. haha, her own age, as if one-year-olds and three-year-olds are really far apart! i mean, developmentally they are for sure but saying that someone whose a year younger than her is TONS younger sounds funny because as an adult a person who’s a year younger is pretty much the same age as you. lolz. this past week i signed her up for violin lessons, she starts next week. i cannot WAIT to see her adorable teeny tiny violin! she’s doing the sukuki method, i played cello for a long time and took lessons of course, but i never learned the suzuki method. it should be interesting because i basically have to take the lessons with her. for now i’m going to rent a viloin for myself, if it works and louise takes to it i’ll probably buy one but we’ll definitely be renting louise’s for a while as she will be growing out of her instruments fairly quick.
i think that’s most of louise’s big news. christmas was great, louise and i went out west for about ten days, we got home on december 23rd, just in time to spend christmas eve and day with daddy, sissy (riley) and the rest of my family who lives in michigan. her birthday was fun, we haven’t done anything super big on her birthday yet, like have a party at the ymca or the awesome swim center that’s near here, i definitely want to do stuff like that in the future but so far i feel like she’s just been too young to justify spending the money. she’s not going to remember it or probably even enjoy it as much as she will when she’s just a little older. next year she’ll be four and i think at that age stuff like that will be more rewarding and memorable for her. luckily i have two nieces and a nephew who are older than her, they’ve all had birthdays at the fun birthday places which is an excellent way too see which ones louise really likes. oh my god, my niece sierra is six and for her last birthday my sister threw her party at crazy bounce, i’m sure you all have a crazy bounce-esque place somewhere near you, huge room full of enormous blow up fun house like things with big giant slides and whatnot, you know what i mean. louise’s cousins are all older than her, little ella is only about six months older but louise is always trying to keep up with jake and sierra who are six and close to seven years old. so, louise followed one of them into one of these huge blowup things, eventually we saw the kids she went in with come out but no louise. i waited a little bit longer and finally my brother-in-law sent jake into find her, more waiting… out came jake, no louise, he said he couldn’t find her. i was like, alright, i better go in, so off i went. let me tell you something, these things are NO joke, it was like a flipping inflatable obstacle course in that goddamn thing! finally i made it through the majority of it and there sat louise crying her poor little eyes out, she was stuck. she wasn’t big enough to climb the wall that lead you out and she was scared (i would have been too), it was very sad, poor little thing. turns out even i wasn’t strong enough and/or tall enough to get out the proper way, i had to take louise out the way we had both gone in, it was hard enough going through that thing the right way, the wrong way was an even bigger challenge. i have no clue how all those little kids went through that damn thing over and over, i mean, they’re WAY shorter than me and definitely not as strong (not that i’m super strong but i’m willing to bet i could bench press more than a six-year-old) but they did. louise was much happier on some of the things they had for smaller kids and did not feel it was necessary to keep up with the big kids for the rest of the party.
going peepee on the potty, i’m sure she’ll super happy about this picture when she’s a teenager.
her teacher calls this “the possum”
this one is “the butterfly”
cooking with daddy
bowling with daddy
layover in minneapolis. traveling with a toddler by yourself is always a good time.
christmas morning, lincoln logs, HOORAY!!!!
walking the pier before the snow fell
ms. riley is doing pretty good, she’s 15 and quite grown up, she was just nine when carl and i started dating, i can’t believe how fast kids change and the change from little girl to woman is crazy. she’s doing okay in school, i know she could do a lot better if she applied herself but it’s out of my hands. she is on the gymnastics team at her school this year (HIGH school, she’s in TENTH grade!) which i think is pretty impressive considering she’s only had a couple of gymnastics classes. she’s not the best on the team which is hard for her but i don’t think she really gets that all the other girls on her team have probably been in gymnastics for their entire lives. she even got five high enough scores on the vault to qualify for regionals which were last weekend. unfortunately carl was out of town on business and i did not want to wrangle louise for hours at the meet so we didn’t go, but my mom was in town and she did go. carl, louise and i went to one of her meets a while back and it was CRAZY, it was fun to see all the girls doing their events, especially riley, but trying to entertain a three-year-old for eight hours in a high school gymnasium is not for the faint of heart (seriously, make sure you bring an ipad or a kindle or something if you decide to try it. how did people live in the days prior to electronic devices???). she was supposed to start driver’s training but she couldn’t do gymnastics and driver’s training, one interfered with the other or something, so i think she’s going to take it this summer. that shit FREAKS ME OUT, i know she’s not a little kid but it feels like she’s too young to be driving yet! i’m sure my mom felt the same way when i got my license. i can’t think of any other big riley stuff at the moment, i’m sure i’m forgetting something that will magically pop into my head the instant i post this, oh well, maybe it will inspire to post again sooner rather than later. last summer carl and riley went to california when louise and i were in montana and carl got the cutest effing picture of ALL time…
okay now would you or would you not be FREAKING THE FUCK OUT if that was your kid??? could she be any cuter? gah, stay away boys!!!! that’s one of nature’s cruelest jokes i think, all dads know what teenage boys are thinking because clearly at one point that’s what they were, it’s enough to drive a man insane i tell you.
carl and riley on their way to cali. not sad that mustache is gone.
on a whale watching boat in california, i think they looked a little greener by the time they got off
i wish i had a bigger file of this one, this is when riley’s cousin kaylie got married a few months back…
now that we’ve gotten the important stuff out of the way, i am doing GREAT. the depression is SO much better thank GOD. those first couple of years were rough. i know it was mostly due to postpartum depression, but if i’m being 100% honest the adjustment from not having kids (i mean, we had riley of course but that was different, she was older and we only have her every other weekend. don’t get me wrong, kids that age come with their own challenges and riley was no exception, but there’s nothing like having your first biological child to knock you on your ass) to having kids also played a large part in it. it’s not like you can just run to the gas station to grab whatever anymore, you can but it’s going to take you a hell of a lot longer than five minutes, no more last minute concerts, (shit, going to a concert you actually PLAN months in advance is hard), no more weekend getaways, no more lots of stuff, it’s not about you anymore, when you have kids your world revolves around them and it took some time for me to adjust to that. you can’t prepare someone for what it’s like, i did plenty of babysitting, i heard all the stories my friends who were already parents had, i even read all the books but the only way to truly get what it’s like to have kids is to have one. that’s it, there’s no other way to understand what a parent experiences on a day-to-day basis. it also took quite a while to find the right combination of meds to treat my depression. today i wouldn’t want my life to be any other way, it’s a thousand times better than it was without my husband, riley and louise in it. having your freedom is great, i’m not going to deny that, but there is nothing in the world that can beat seeing your kid swim without floaties for the first time or get a really good vault score or pick their nose, whatever, doesn’t matter what they’re doing, nothing else can compare to the cocktail of feelings having a kid gives you. that’s not to say it’s all fun and games, there’s plenty of frustration and tears and whatnot but it’s all worth it. i know there’s a gazillion people who didn’t have any trouble adjusting to life with kids, kudos and gold stars to them, really, i wish i could have been so lucky but what can you do? you chalk it up as a “learning experience” and move on with your life. either that or you dwell on what a horrible person you are and continue to limp along miserably through your life, sounds super duper fun, i think i’m going to stick with the moving on thing.
carl and i are in a really good place too, far far away from the divorce discussions we had this spring thank god, that would have been a complete nightmare. if we had ended up seperating chances are i would have move back to montana and that would have be terrible for louise and carl’s relationship. i wish i could say i would be selfless and stay in michigan despite the fact that i know i would want to move immediately but i can’t. it doesn’t really matter, there’s no point in even speculating, it’s not going to happen, not ever. i love carl with all of my heart, he has stayed with me through everything, the infertility, me being SO sick the last couple months of my pregnancy and then the ridiculous crazy post-baby depression, i seriously don’t know how he made it through the depression, it was so bad. he travels frequently for work and every time he had to leave i would cry and cry, i knew it made him feel terrible and that made me even sadder, that i couldn’t mask the fact that i was sad if only for his benefit, it was a never ending cycle. i don’t LOVE it when he travels now but i don’t have a nervous breakdown every time either, louise and i are totally fine without him. we prefer for him to be here of course, but he supports our family and part of his job is traveling. she’s starting to get to an age where she notices that he’s gone and misses him, she asks about him sometimes. today she came in our room while i was getting dressed and stood in front of his laundry basket pointing at his clothes (he’s out of town right now, weekend travel is the worst!), i said, what? and she said dawee’s (daddy’s) clothes, i said, yeah, and she bent down and took a huge whiff. i was like, do they smell good like daddy? and she said, ahhhhhhh! i know carl loves me too, who in their right mind would stay with someone through all that crap if they didn’t?? NO ONE! and he loves his daughters so much, they are lucky kids, there’s plenty of children who’s fathers couldn’t care less about them, riley and louise hit the dad jackpot. he’s lucky to have them as daughters too, they’re pretty effing cool. alright, enough touchy feely stuff, it gives me the heebie jeebies.
this is why i suck so epically at posting i think, i started working on this yesterday, it took me TWO DAYS to write this. it’s not like i was working on it every second but SERIOUSLY. i always let so much time go by that when i do think, hey, maybe i should blog, there’s so many things to write about that i’m like, nah, too much thinking and shit. i keep putting it off and before you know it, BAM, four months have gone by, i mean, if i couldn’t handle blogging about two months worth of stuff there’s no way i could do four! at that point it’s a complete clusterfuck of stories and information, how in the world am i supposed to organize all that stuff in my head and get it onto paper for someone else to read and actually understand? i have no idea. clearly i decided i was up for the challenge though. i’d love to say that i’m going to start posting more but i’m not going to make a promise i don’t know if i can keep. maybe i will, maybe i won’t, i hope i do because this blog has been an important part of my life for a long time, i started this thing over four years ago, that’s crazy to me. i have no idea what i would have done or what i would do without all my bloggy friends, you’ve supported me through everything, all the hardest and darkest times of my life (maybe a few good times too), i would be lost without my blogger friends. if i do continue to royally suck at blogging you can at least count on me to read YOUR blogs and leave you comments, so thanks for being a better blogger than me!